Mel's Loss and Sadness

Friday, February 14, Paul and I traveled from Enid, where we were doing a family life conference at Emmanuel, to Tulsa to attend John Kilgore's funeral. John had had heart valve surgery the Friday before and instead of getting out of ICU on Saturday as expected, he started a downhill slide. Tuesday they did a test to see if they could discover what was wrong. He died during the test. 

We were on our way to Austin that Tuesday when Melody called and told us. We were stunned. Last summer Paul had asked John and Marilyn to be on our VTM board and they had excitedly agreed. We were looking forward to their being with us in our summer meeting. It's still hard to believe. 

Melody was asked to speak and to sing at John's funeral. She knew she could sing, but she wasn't sure she could speak. She called and asked me to be ready to step up and finish her talk and she sent me a copy. She did really well and was able to finish her talk, albeit with tears and some struggle. Someone who spoke before Mel said that everyone thought they were John's best friend. When Melody stood to speak, she said everyone may have thought that, "but I really was John's best friend." Everyone laughed so that set the tone a little from the extreme sadness that was overwhelming Mel.

Anyway, that's why I have Mel's talk. She's a great speaker and I wanted to share with you what she said about John to the overflow crowd gathered and to the family. The following is Mel's talk.

We are gathered today to pay tribute and to honor the life of our dear friend John Kilgore. I would like to borrow a few words from an e-mail so eloquently written this week.

"My dear friend John!" That is a viable statement for everyone within the sound of my voice because that was John's gift--the ability to affirm each one sincerely as his dear friend! Knowing the plans that He has for John and for us, our Sovereign God considered the injuries to John's heart and listened to each prayer so fervently prayed, and chose to take John home--momentarily dropping the bottom out of our world and leaving us in shock and disbelief. We can't know God's ways and have no idea why we have been completely deprived of John's companionship at this moment. And yet we trust Him as we weep together! And at the same time we marvel--How blessed are we, among men and women of all time, that we shared life here on earth with John Wayne Kilgore?!

Those words reflect how I am feeling today. Shock, disbelief, sadness, even anger, but above all, unbelievable gratitude for the privilege of sharing 17 years of my life with John. He was my pastor, he was my mentor, he was my friend. He believed in me, and he helped me believe in myself. He taught me how to see beauty in God's creation, and how to get the most out of life!

A few weeks ago Tony and I took John and Marilyn out to eat and to see the Ten Tenors in concert. After the evening was over we commented on how much more we got out of the experience just watching John. He loved that performance, and everyone around him knew he loved it. He was a man who lived with passion.

When I think of John, I think of David in the Psalms, and maybe John loved the Psalms so much because he identified with David and his passion for God. John desperately wanted to know and experience the depth of God's love. And God would meet him in unique ways. When he was in Tennessee a few years ago, I remember the story of when he went driving through the beautiful countryside just crying out to God to reveal Himself and to show him his love. When he stopped at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, right there on the pump someone had left a tract entitled, God loves You! John needed those concrete examples of God's love.

And God gave them to him over and over. And I just keep thinking that now he knows, he really knows and is experiencing God's love for him. I can imagine Jesus waiting at the gates of heaven along with thousands of others to welcome John with a hug as big as the ones he gave us.

No one could give a hug like John. In fact, in choir Wednesday, we lamented over the question, "Who's going to hug us now?" and we decided that we're going to have to hug each other. We're going to have to learn how to give "John hugs."

John left us a legacy. A legacy of loving God and loving people, and we've decided to carry on that legacy. I loved John with all of my heart, and there will be a hole in my life that will never be filled. But I am grateful for the gift that God gave me through the life of my dear friend John. I love you John!!!

Today, February 25, Mel wrote on her blog about her experience of grief and of missing John. That reminded me that I had wanted to share this speech and this was a good opportunity.

Her blog is l5life.blogspot.com

Truth is, John will never be gone forever. He lives on in the hearts of so many.

Just thought I wanted to share something of what Mel and Tony are going through and also about how much we're going to miss John. It still seems unreal.

MB