Processing Grief

In the article I mentioned in my last post about grief, the author quoted Therese A. Rando's description of grief care as a series of processes rather than tasks or outcomes. He continues writing that he has used Rando's processes as a template cover which he could place the current experience of a grieving person and thus determine their progress or the area where they were stuck. He then paraphrased Rando's processes as follows:

1. Admit that the loss happened and attempt to comprehend how it happened.

2. Allow the full experience of pain and talk about the major and secondary issues.

3. Think about the relationship and review memories both positive and negative.

4. Admit that the physical relationship can no longer be and write a new life script.

5. Develop new plans that do not include the lost relationship.

He continues by giving a couple of examples. Then concludes by saying that "I often hear people say to a grieving person, 'It's been over a year now. You should be over it.' But time cannot be considered the best indicator of adjustment. The most reliable indicator is movement. (Movement through the above processes.) The movement can be large or ever so small, but movement shows reason to rejoice."

I heard a long time ago that we don't always learn what we hear taught or sermonized. But usually we really learn something that we've already experienced and then we hear teaching on it and we know, really know, that this is the truth that we've already experienced. Someone has put words to what I know in experience. And we find ourselves saying, Aha, YES!

That's one of the reasons I posted excerpts from this article on grief. I've experienced grief, and when I read these comments, it was an aha moment for me. Wanted to share.

MB

Grief

Some of our family are experiencing grief right now in major proportions. They've lost a father, a very close friend, and another friend, all within two weeks. One death would be very difficult to process, two extremely difficult, three could really be overwhelming.

Loving and thinking of and praying for these family members has caused me to do some reflection and remembering of my own. 

I lost my father when he was 58 years old. There was  no warning, no health problems. I just got a call one day that he had died of a heart attack while he was "on the job." That experience was like walking along through life and hitting a brick wall and being knocked out emotionally. It was very difficult to process. I had three siblings who were still in the home.

I remember many strange feelings: anger when others laughed, even on television; confusion at what this all meant; thinking ahead to all the family holidays and who would sit in his chair and what would we do without him; having dreams that he was there and sitting at the table and the odd sense that something was wrong; and having the feeling that nothing will ever again be the same. Over the years the pain faded, but it took a long, long daily time for that to happen.

Then some years later I had a sister who committed suicide. That was truly an event. That hurt so bad that I had physical pain in my chest and had to hold my chest, put pressure on it, to ease the pain. (I think I now have a realization of what it means to say, "He died of a broken heart.") My grief, the crying, sobbing kind of grief, lasted more than a year after her death. But by this time I had realized how important it was to let the grief out, mainly because of being a part of the following two life experiences. 

I had a friend and another acquaintance who both shared with me that held-in grief can play havoc with a person and their health. The friend did not cry much after her young child's death. She developed headaches and couldn't sleep. Her doctor said her problem was unexpressed grief. His remedy was to set aside a time each day to think about her child and to let herself cry. She did and it helped.

The acquaintance was an older woman who told me about losing her husband and she didn't cry because early in their marriage her husband had expressed displeasure when she cried. She vowed at that time to not cry again. After his death, she didn't cry and after a few months she started losing her hair. It started coming out by the handfuls. Her doctor also told her it was unexpressed grief. She had to learn how to cry again. She told me she was glad she learned how to grieve and she was glad her hair grew back.

So, I had learned it was important to let grief be felt and expressed, which is hard to do for some types of people, including me. Add to that the fact that a suicide is embarrassing for many people. They don't know what to say to one grieving over a suicide death. Some of my friends would even turn away and choose not to greet me or to speak. Unknown to them, I could see and sense that. That was a double whammy. That's the time you really need support and hugs of friends, not advice, just caring.

I've thought of all of this as I've been thinking and praying for my loved ones.

Interestingly enough, a monthly magazine we get called Ministry came yesterday and it has an article in it entitled: Assisting Parishioners Through Grief (Part one of a two-part series). I've read the article several times already. The first sub-topic is Listen! Listen! Listen!

People experiencing grief need listening ears and hearts, not advice. Not advice! May I repeat, not advice. Why is it that most of us think we need to give a solution to someone who is hurting? The article says to listen without interrupting, giving advice, or trying to take away the pain. And I loved the next statement: Pain mellows when experienced and expressed to a patient listener.

That's what I want to do and to be to my family members, a patient listener, as they start the slow and painful process of experiencing and expressing grief as they go through this part of their journey of life.

MB

Mel's Loss and Sadness

Friday, February 14, Paul and I traveled from Enid, where we were doing a family life conference at Emmanuel, to Tulsa to attend John Kilgore's funeral. John had had heart valve surgery the Friday before and instead of getting out of ICU on Saturday as expected, he started a downhill slide. Tuesday they did a test to see if they could discover what was wrong. He died during the test. 

We were on our way to Austin that Tuesday when Melody called and told us. We were stunned. Last summer Paul had asked John and Marilyn to be on our VTM board and they had excitedly agreed. We were looking forward to their being with us in our summer meeting. It's still hard to believe. 

Melody was asked to speak and to sing at John's funeral. She knew she could sing, but she wasn't sure she could speak. She called and asked me to be ready to step up and finish her talk and she sent me a copy. She did really well and was able to finish her talk, albeit with tears and some struggle. Someone who spoke before Mel said that everyone thought they were John's best friend. When Melody stood to speak, she said everyone may have thought that, "but I really was John's best friend." Everyone laughed so that set the tone a little from the extreme sadness that was overwhelming Mel.

Anyway, that's why I have Mel's talk. She's a great speaker and I wanted to share with you what she said about John to the overflow crowd gathered and to the family. The following is Mel's talk.

We are gathered today to pay tribute and to honor the life of our dear friend John Kilgore. I would like to borrow a few words from an e-mail so eloquently written this week.

"My dear friend John!" That is a viable statement for everyone within the sound of my voice because that was John's gift--the ability to affirm each one sincerely as his dear friend! Knowing the plans that He has for John and for us, our Sovereign God considered the injuries to John's heart and listened to each prayer so fervently prayed, and chose to take John home--momentarily dropping the bottom out of our world and leaving us in shock and disbelief. We can't know God's ways and have no idea why we have been completely deprived of John's companionship at this moment. And yet we trust Him as we weep together! And at the same time we marvel--How blessed are we, among men and women of all time, that we shared life here on earth with John Wayne Kilgore?!

Those words reflect how I am feeling today. Shock, disbelief, sadness, even anger, but above all, unbelievable gratitude for the privilege of sharing 17 years of my life with John. He was my pastor, he was my mentor, he was my friend. He believed in me, and he helped me believe in myself. He taught me how to see beauty in God's creation, and how to get the most out of life!

A few weeks ago Tony and I took John and Marilyn out to eat and to see the Ten Tenors in concert. After the evening was over we commented on how much more we got out of the experience just watching John. He loved that performance, and everyone around him knew he loved it. He was a man who lived with passion.

When I think of John, I think of David in the Psalms, and maybe John loved the Psalms so much because he identified with David and his passion for God. John desperately wanted to know and experience the depth of God's love. And God would meet him in unique ways. When he was in Tennessee a few years ago, I remember the story of when he went driving through the beautiful countryside just crying out to God to reveal Himself and to show him his love. When he stopped at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, right there on the pump someone had left a tract entitled, God loves You! John needed those concrete examples of God's love.

And God gave them to him over and over. And I just keep thinking that now he knows, he really knows and is experiencing God's love for him. I can imagine Jesus waiting at the gates of heaven along with thousands of others to welcome John with a hug as big as the ones he gave us.

No one could give a hug like John. In fact, in choir Wednesday, we lamented over the question, "Who's going to hug us now?" and we decided that we're going to have to hug each other. We're going to have to learn how to give "John hugs."

John left us a legacy. A legacy of loving God and loving people, and we've decided to carry on that legacy. I loved John with all of my heart, and there will be a hole in my life that will never be filled. But I am grateful for the gift that God gave me through the life of my dear friend John. I love you John!!!

Today, February 25, Mel wrote on her blog about her experience of grief and of missing John. That reminded me that I had wanted to share this speech and this was a good opportunity.

Her blog is l5life.blogspot.com

Truth is, John will never be gone forever. He lives on in the hearts of so many.

Just thought I wanted to share something of what Mel and Tony are going through and also about how much we're going to miss John. It still seems unreal.

MB 

My Valentine

Today is Valentine's Day.

My Valentine for the last 51 years has been William Paul Burleson. We started dating when I was 16 and we married when I was 17. From the day I met him and from that day forward Paul has been my Valentine, over half a century now. WOW!

Today I am more grateful than ever to have had this privilege of having this handsome feller, this fun-loving partner, and this ever-growing soul mate as my Valentine.

This week we lost a dear friend, much younger than we are, and we will attend his funeral tomorrow. Today is a time for reflection and for gratitude.

Happy Valentine's Day, Handsome.

I love you.

MB 

Ninety-Six Year Old Cherry

My Dad, Fred T. Cherry, died at the age of 58 back in 1970. If he had lived, yesterday he would have had his 96th birthday.

I thought of him off and on all day yesterday trying to imagine what he would have been like at age 96. There's one good thing about his having died at the age of 58. My memory of him is like a freeze frame of him at that age. He was involved in ministry at the time of his death, preaching a revival meeting at a small church in east Texas.

But what I regret is that he didn't live to a ripe old age so that many questions I would like to have asked him could not be asked. He's been gone 38 years. I've learned a lot and I understand so much more the baggage I carried into adulthood because of the way I was raised. I'm responsible as an adult for what baggage I chose to continue to carry, but it would have been nice to have been able to ask questions and hear responses. But that was not to be.

Dad played football at OU and ran track. There are two plaques with his name in the OU outdoor athletic memorial area where they list the All Americans and athletes who lettered. Paul and I go over at least once every football season and read the plaques with his name on them, dated in the early 1930's.

In the 1950's when I was a teenager, my father had made a commitment to witness to at least one person a day about faith in Christ. He was my hero as a man after God and as a witness to his faith. Sometimes it was quite embarrassing when a high school friend would come up to me at school and say something about Dad having given them a ride or having met him. It was such a different day back then. I admired Dad for his witness but as a kid it was sometimes embarrassing, and then when I measured myself against his standard, I would feel guilty for not being a better witness. A mish-mash of emotions!

Then as time went on the eleven children, my ten siblings and I, grew up and evidenced several of the symptoms of having a non-relational and absent Dad, a Dad who was busy ministering and rated almost zero for any parenting skills. I realize now how off-base that was and it's an interesting look-back to see more clearly the truth of the matter.

Hopefully, life's lessons have been learned and are still being learned. Regardless of my Dad's faults, he was my Dad and for better or for worse he was part of my journey and heritage. It's been an interesting look-back and memory time. 

I do still wonder what he would be like today if he were alive. Fun to think about.

MB 

 

Happy Belated Birthday, Rachelle!

Yesterday was Rachelle's birthday and I wanted to pay tribute to a wonderful daughter-in-law. Rachelle's been a Burleson for almost 25 years. That means I've been her mother-in-law over half of her life. So, I know her pretty well.

Rachelle not only has beauty on the outside, but she does also on the inside. 

She not only has beauty, but she also has brains.

Rachelle not only is a great Mom, but she stays connected to the bigger family.

She not only runs her household well, she also handles a career.

Rachelle not only is a great pastor's wife, she's a great wife!

She manages to be involved in the church, and she accompanies Wade on many of his trips.

I could go on and on. I'll suffice it to say, we are very lucky as a family and extremely grateful to have Rachelle in our family.

Rachelle, we hope you had a wonderful birthday yesterday. I know Wade left early on a trip. Hope you guys were able to celebrate on your recent trip.

Love you, and Happy Birthday!

Mom B.

A Milestone Birthday

Today, January 24, is my oldest sibling's 70th birthday. 

I have ten brothers and sisters, nine still living. We gathered last night to have supper together and to celebrate (or to grieve, JK) the oldest of us reaching this milestone. My youngest sibling turns 52 this year.

The gathering last night was fun. There were eight of us siblings, along with seven of our mates there along with our 90-year-old mother for a total of sixteen.

We had fun giving funny and serious cards to our sister, eating good food, and reminiscing about some of the good old days, and actually about some of the not-so-good old days. We laughed a lot and checked with each other about how we're all feeling. Report was good.

Starley, my birthday sibling, and her husband, Ralph, have ten children, 50 grandchildren with two more on the way. Unbelievable! There's always something going on at their house or with their family. The card we bought her said on the front, "I thought about running away to join the circus." You open it up and it said, "But I thought that would be redundant." We thought that was an apropos card for her. Then we wished her a very happy 70th birthday.

Today is Starley's actual birthday although we celebrated last evening, so I want to wish her a very Happy Birthday today and hope that she has many more as she leads the pack into the next generation. She's a young looking pack leader, isn't she?

MB

Congratulations, Mel!

Melody Lenox, our third child, was honored at a new company launch last night, and we were privileged to attend.

The new company is Lead Self-Lead Others Foundation and was founded by Dr. Nathan Baxter. www.leadselfleadothers.com 

Mel is one of four newly certified counselors who are now qualified to lead growth groups.

On their brochure is the following: 

The starting place for leadership development always begins with the leadership of self. We help women grow by training them to lead themselves in five important areas of their lives: habits, health, relationships, time, and money.

We are extremely proud of Melody, and we enjoyed seeing and hearing and sharing in the exciting launch of this new endeavor. I think it's a much needed concept and it will be an exciting adventure to watch the birth and development of this foundation.

Our congratulations to Melody, to Nathan, and to the other three counselors! May God richly bless this new organization and each of you and your work.

MB 

Bride Today

Baby Yesterday

Today, our oldest granddaughter, Terri is getting married.

Yesterday, she was a baby in her great, great grandmother's lap.

The picture on the right shows Terri on my grandmother's lap, my Mom on my left, and Cherri, my daughter and Terri's Mom on my right. I'm standing in the back.

The picture on your left shows four of the same people at a wedding shower a couple of weeks ago. Funny, we're all about in the same position, with Nanny, my grandmother, missing. How funny is that, that we all are in the same position? Just now noticed that.

Today's going to be fun. I love weddings. Now, I'm the Grams who gets seated first because I'm one of the old people. That's also funny (to me anyway). Paul's performing the ceremony, and we get to see many family members who are attending this noon wedding. Tonight we're attending a casual reception at Cherri and Mike's home.

Purpose of this post: Not sure. Just sharing our joy.

MB 

A Tribute to My Mom on Her 90th Birthday

Today, November 30, is my mother's 90th birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom!

One of my sisters made this card for my Mom and we all celebrated on Thanksgiving Day, all 125 plus of us. This card shows Mother as a baby, as a young woman, as a young mother, and as she is today, dressed and headed for church.

Recently at a funeral for a 95 year-old, the person paying tribute had the group think about all the things this sweet woman had seen changed in her life: from horse and buggy days to the first automobile to airplanes to TV to computers, etc. That's interesting to think about.

Mother married at 19 and had 12 children. She raised 11 and one little girl, #12, was stillborn. Interesting tidbit: my Mother, my older sister, and I were all three pregnant at the same time, but that's when Mother lost the little girl. I was third in birth order, so I was at the "working end" of the children, and not the "spoiled end." (They might argue about that.)

Mother always did all her own cooking, sewing, and cleaning. She was and still is today a wonderful cook; she's one of those who can just make up recipes and they're wonderful. She still sews on her Singer sewing machine. One of my favorite memories of Mother is that she would ask us what we wanted for a special occasion and we would go in the stores and browse, and then she would go home and create that same garment. She is a very talented seamstress. 

And she could easily be called "the cleaning machine." Some of my fun memories and some of my not so fun memories are of Mother insisting that everything be clean, clean, clean! And that was usually accomplished on Saturdays. Dusting, mopping, sweeping patios, raking leaves, washing shoestrings until all the black marks were gone--I do believe her favorite scripture was "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." (That's a tongue-in-cheek statement.)

Mother's always had a good sense of humor. She laughs at herself a lot. And as she's become older, this has been a blessing. Many become bitter and give up, but Mother is laughing and adjusting.

Of course, as we all have, Mother has her faults. But all her positive qualities are wonderful examples to her ten children who are still living. Mother's baby turned 50 this year and her oldest child turns 70 in a month. My family provided her with her first great, great grandchild. So, obviously, I, one of her children, am a great grandmother. Imagine how old you would feel if one of your children was a great grandmother. I know because one of my girls is a grandmother. Life does move on, doesn't it.

That's my tribute! Happy Birthday, Mother! Hope you have a wonderful day celebrating your 90th birthday.

Love you much,

Mary B.

It Ain't Happenin'

Thought I would put up a new post just for the heck of it. When I wrote my last post, I committed to writing once a week, minimum. Thus the above headline: it ain't happenin'!

This weekend is the first weekend we've been in town for about six weeks. It's been a very busy summer. Paul's had many out-of-town speaking engagements and I've had several business trips.

It takes time to write a post and I just haven't had the time. Maybe later.

A few happenings with us:
We made our annual family trip to Frontier City, compliments of Grams and Papaw. One of our granddaughters, who has evolved into our family social planner, kept us on track for doing this. We were about to let it lapse. We did it!

Last weekend during the record making tropical storm in OK, our backyard flooded from the creek behind us. Somewhat of a mess to clean up, but that's done.

Two trips to a former pastorate church in Fort Worth where Paul preached both morning services two different Sundays. That was fun to renew old acquaintances. My, how that husband of mine can preach, and I do believe he preaches his best at that church.

Work has been demanding. Last week our team worked late four of the five days. Late, late! We got the project done, but it was quite demanding, time- and brain-wise.

The above are my reasons, or excuses, for not consistently writing a blog post.

And football season starts this next weekend. We have season tickets to OU home games, and we're hoping to make a couple of the out-of-town games. We also have a grandson who is a senior and who is on the starting team. We hope to make the two-hour trip to as many of his Friday night games as we can. Looks like football, high school and college, will occupy our free time for most of the weekends this fall. Fun, fun!

However, one final thought: Paul needed some hardware to fix our RV, which we have put up for sale. He went to one store and the clerk was rude and cranky. That store had what Paul needed, but he couldn't get past the clerk's attitude, and thanked him and left without the needed goods. He traveled a few blocks and went to another store where the clerk was very helpful and went above and beyond to help Paul get what he needed and to make sure Paul was a satisfied customer.

In the current church discussions I wonder how many people come to us for the "goods" that we have, but who may be so turned off by attitudes that they leave without the "goods." Here's hoping they go the few blocks to another place and find the "goods" and "buy" because the attending person has an "I care about you" attitude. Food for thought!

Fun blog discussions for me may have to wait until I'm retired from a few of my responsibilities. That's probably a few years away. Love what I do. I'll save serious blog posts and discussions for a rainy day, or in this context, just sometime later. Meanwhile I'll post little personal things like this just to stay in touch.
MB

Life Changers, Part One

I've thought often of writing on this blog about a few Biblical concepts that have changed my life. My approach would be to write first about how I was taught the concept and how I first believed and practiced it. Then how life and the Master Teacher corrected my course.

I've been hesitant to do so, and I'm not sure why. For one thing, it takes time and thought to post. It seems I haven't had time to do that lately. But I do know that one finds time to do what one really wants to do. So, I shot that one down.

I think another hesitation is would anyone read it. But my answer to myself on that one is that doesn't really matter. I like to write to get my thoughts out of my head and written. I always learn when doing that. So second hesitation shot down.

With those disclaimers and hesitations exposed, I think I'll start writing this little series of posts with this morning's post.

The first life principle that I misunderstood and think I was taught is this:
If you give your life to God, through trusting Christ and accepting Him as your Lord and Savior, God will bless you and make your life worth living. You will never lack for anything and God is always at hand to answer your prayers. Many other principles stem from this, which will be future posts.

So, right from the beginning, when anything went wrong or didn't happen as I thought it should, I immediately prayed and prayed for God to do it, with the confidence that He was going to. And what I heard and what I taught confirmed this thinking.

Two things in life happened to me that helped this course correction:
First, my pastor husband was called to a church that rejected him. Now, up to this point I thought that any church that had a man like my husband who preached the gospel, who loved his family, who had no hidden secrets, and who really wanted what God wanted, the church would love him. Also if a church had a preacher's family like ours where the wife taught Bible studies, worked with staff wives, and the children though not perfect were good Christian kids, that church would welcome and be excited about having such a pastor and such a family.

Well, the Master Teacher used this situation to teach me a needed life lesson; i.e., to break the thought processes in me that God owed me and that my (our) performance with God guaranteed His blessings and our answered prayers for a good life. This church totally rejected everything my husband tried to do while at the same time setting records in attendance and recorded baptisms, etc. It was a most puzzling situation.

I began to search the scriptures in earnest. Nowhere could I find what I had believed and what I had taught. Lo and behold, God had never said anywhere that He would do what I was begging Him to do. Hmmmm... Instead, I ran headlong into the eleventh chapter of Hebrews. The one verse that grabbed me was verse 16 where it says that God was not ashamed to be called their God, and that's after verse 13 when it says these all died in faith, not having received the promises.

That was totally contrary to my whole thinking. But, as I began to realize what these verses were saying and what the whole context was, I saw that the no pain, no bad things, all blessings, etc., was like making God a Santa Claus and not the God of the Bible. I began to know that God might be ashamed to be called my God because I had Him in a box and needed to break that box and let God be God; i.e., the God He says He is in the scriptures. Another hmmmm...

Later another event in my life happened that helped me solidify my right thinking and belief system. A friend wrote an e-mail and suggested that God wasn't being fair to a mutual preacher friend of ours whose second wife had just died. My friend's comment was something like how could God do that to one of His special preachers who has only tried to live a good life and follow God.

Oops. He said that to the wrong person. I wrote back a pretty long e-mail and explained to my friend my new understanding of some scriptures and how I had boxed God in and was not free in grace and love because I hadn't really met the God as revealed, truly revealed, in the Scriptures. It was at that time that I realized fully the principle that there are no guarantees with God. Actually, there are two: He loves me, and He will never leave me. As I explained this to my friend in the e-mail, I was confirmed that I really now knew the God of the Bible in the way that He had truly revealed Himself. My friend was quite taken aback, but it was a pivotal point for him also. I was confirmed and he was enlightened.

That's the principle or the corrected belief that I wanted to try to explain in this post. There are no guarantees with God (except the two mentioned). And if you listen, and if you are alert, way too much of our teaching and preaching in our churches tell us that God guarantees this or that.

Realizing there are no guarantees with God really shakes some people, and some people think I am really off on this one. But to me it's foundational to all others. It's scary to someone who used God as a security covering, as an assurrance that no bad things would happen in life. In my belief system to let God out of that box gave me freedom and acceptance and love that was denied to me as long as I had such an expectant spirit about what God was supposed to do, and I called it "faith." Sounds funny now, but it was the basis for my entire belief system. As I look back, it's not surprising that I struggled so much.

Now I bask in the guarantee that God loves me and He will never, ever leave me. With that assurance I can face anything that comes my way or anything that happens to me or mine and know that I have a God who loves me and is with me. Expectations are laid aside and are replaced with an excitement and anticipation no matter what. Quite a different way to live.

Well, that's it. That's my first post of several on new conceptions of truths that have changed my life. More to come. MB

Home Safe!

Paul and Freddie made their annual summer motorcycle ride safely. I always breathe a sigh of relief when I hear the motorcycle drive up. This time it was the pickup with the cycle on a trailer pulling in.

They had a great time, lots of fun stories. Paul posted some pictures on his vtmbottomline blog.

We bought a new digital camera before they left so they could take some good pictures. This is one of them. We're also having fun figuring out all of our photo-editing computer stuff. Doing pretty well.

Handsome is now home, safe and sound.
Yeah.
MB

Motorcycle Ride

This picture was taken a few years ago, but it shows our black Honda Goldwing and shows us in our leathers. It also reminds me of how fun it is to ride behind my "handsome feller" and go cross country on our bike. We've been to Colorado and South Dakota on trips where all we took was what we could get in and on our bike.

Monday, Paul and Freddie, my brother, are taking off on their annual summer bike ride. This year they are going to go to the East Coast and ride the Blueridge Parkway. They're going to be gone about ten days. We thought about my going with them, but I decided I couldn't be away from my job that long at this time. So I'm not going. I'll just have to enjoy this trip vicariously.

A couple of thoughts: Paul's and Fred's safety is always uppermmost in my mind while they're gone. AND, when I don't go, something major always happens around here.

The safety thing: We had a bad motorcycle wreck a few years ago, so I know this can happen. And in our travels we've come across some bad motorcycle wrecks. When I went to motorcycle school and got my motorcycle license, I learned that motorists in cars don't seem to see motorcycles on the road, so there are several precautions to take as you are driving; it's totally defensive driving. My point: it's the other guy who's almost always at fault in motorcycle/car accidents. Thus, my concern. But these two guys have become good, rather excellent, defensive drivers.

The catastrophic happenings: Last year when they took off, our house flooded on the very day they took off. I had to call Paul back before he really even got started. The year before nothing happened at home, but Paul had a stroke the second day out. I took off work and drove to TN to cart him home. The year before that, the air conditioning went out the day he left. See what I mean? Wonder what it will be this year?

But, I believe that's called "worrying."

"Don't worry; be happy!" That's my theme for these next few days. I'm looking forward to Paul's having a great time and hope to enjoy his trip through his phone calls and maybe his digital pictures.

Bottomline: In a way, all of life is a risk. To enjoy or to worry is a choice. I have chosen to enjoy and plan to do so. Happy Travels to Paul and Fred. May they have the best trip they've ever had! Fun, fun. I'll miss being with them.
MB

Some Teenage Marriages Do Last!

Paul was 18 years old and I was 17 years old! May 28, 1959, was the special day we two were wed.

Now, 48 years later, we do look a little different.













It's been quite a trip together, four decades plus eight! We've weathered a lot, good things and bad. Today we are enjoying life as never before. It's been a great journey, and we're not at the end yet. Could it get any better? I wonder.

Happy 48th Anniversary, Handsome.
MB

Today Is Mother's Day

I like to know how things started. The following two paragraphs describe how our Mother's Day in America started (taken from Grace Fellowship daily e-letter).

One hundred years ago, during the month of May in 1907, Anna Jarvis handed out hundreds of carnations at her church on a Sunday morning in memory and honor of her mother. In addition to being a great human being and mother, Anna's mother had organized mothers during the civil war to improve sanitary conditions for the soldiers.

One hundred years later we honor mothers also during the month of May on the nationally recognized Mothers' holiday. It has become a sixteen billion dollar commercial holiday, a fact that would have horrified Anna Jarvis. In fact, about 23 years after Anna had passed out carnations at her church, the day that later was declared Mother's Day, Anna actually filed a lawsuit to stop a Mother's Day celebration that she felt had become too commercialized. Something that Anna had done as a way to show her gratitude and love for her mother soon became an obligation to others.

My mother will be 90 years old this November. She birthed 12 children, raised 11, and has buried one of those 11. She's called Virgie by many of her offspring, Grandma Cherry by 41 grandchildren and by too-numerous-to-count great grandchildren, and this month will become a great-great grandma. It's fun to say to her, "Happy Mother's Day. I love you."

Paul's mother will be 89 on Tuesday. Yesterday he and his sister and brother took Grandma West to their favorite hamburger place and celebrated Mother's Day and her birthday with other friends and relatives who came. They had a good time.

One day in Sunday School a few years ago, the teacher asked the class if they thought Mother's Day was a good thing to have or was it just a commercialized holiday so merchants could make money. This question made several people angry that it would have even been asked. The answers were varied and interesting and on both sides. It was thought provoking, and I've always thought back to that question when Mother's Day rolls around.

I'm a Mother and have already received Mother's Day gifts and cards. I think I celebrate my motherhood more by being glad my children survived my bumbling parenting and have all become responsible adults to be proud of, rather than being glad my children remembered me on this day.

I'm very glad that we've had another year to enjoy our Moms being with us. Today is a great day to rejoice and be glad.
Have a good one!
MB

This Blog Content Is Changing

I've decided to quit posting personal family news items on this blog. I've established our own Burleson Family blog on MyFamily.com, and I've invited our children and grandchildren to become members. It's a really great site! You can keep a family calendar and family news and all the good stuff that everyone enjoys knowing, family that is.

Reasons: Two of my close friends told me the other day that they always read Paul's blog, but rarely read mine. I usually only get comments from my family. So, upon reflection, I decided to do personal and family items on this private blog and for family members' eyes only. That way I thought some of the grandkids and other family members might be more prone to comment and post, if they thought the whole world wasn't reading it. ;-)

Another reason is that I want to enter the world of posting about ideas and theological discussions and other similar items. I was going to start another blog for that purpose, but chose to go this route.

If you're reading this and have enjoyed following our family news and want to continue, let me know. There are ways. . .

MB

Where's Grams?

In the dim and distant past
When the tempo wasn't fast,
Grandmas used to rock and knit,
Crochet, read, and babysit.

In those days of gracious living,
Grandmas were the ones for giving.
When the family was in a jam,
They could always count on "Grams!"

Today you'll find her at the gym,
Walking and cycling to keep trim.
Nothing these days seems to stop her,
Now that Grams is "off her rocker!"

I laughed and laughed when I read that little poem. It's so true and especially true of me, "Grams" to many. Maybe I'm not just an oddball. Maybe I'm more the "norm" than I realized.

I have been working on getting back in shape after a few years of "falling off the in-shape wagon." I walk on the treadmill and cycle every morning, doing at least three miles. I'm still watching very carefully what I eat. I'm almost at my goal I set way back in the middle of January. It hasn't been easy.

It was so hard to get in the "groove" of doing the above, that now that I'm "on a roll," I don't want to quit. A few people are now saying, "Okay, quit losing. You've lost enough. You're getting too skinny." Music to my ears. I haven't heard that in forever. ;-)

The downside of this is sometimes funny. I didn't realize how some clothes will not fit now. I recently went on a business trip to Atlanta and took my business suits. When I put the pants on of one suit, I couldn't keep them up! They just fell right off. My thought: how did this happen? I had no idea my shape had changed this much. Hmmmm. . .

So, I've had to buy clothes that fit. I had given away all my clothes of smaller sizes because I thought I was too old and I probably would never get back down that small. I found a sale at one of my favorite women's shops, close to the office, and they had a 75% off sale, then recently they advertised 25% more off. WOW! And I love their clothes. A clerk there helped me and I got clothes that fit. Now for the Herculean task of cleaning out all my old stuff. I'm such a packrat, and a "what if I need it later?" type person that this will take some time.

I've also been tanning so that this summer I can wear shorts and wear dresses without hose. (I hate those things.) Another funny thing: I saw some lotion at the drugstore that said it was a firming lotion and gave your skin a slight "glow." My thinking was that I would use this lotion and keep my skin looking good, so I was slapping that stuff on. One day at work I looked between my fingers and glanced down at my feet/ankles. Yikes! That lotion has a lot of that sunless tanning stuff in it and I was looking quite yellow, and perhaps orange in the crevices. Bummer! I had worked so hard on a real tan that trying to keep it looking okay had ruined the whole look. Well, get over that! LOL

Now, lest you envision me as a thin, shapely, tan, mature woman, be sure to emphasize the "mature" part, and you'll be close or at least in the ballpark if you leave out the word "shapely." Before I started all of this, I jokingly said to Paul, "Would you rather have my shape be 'flat belly and small boobs' or 'larger boobs and a full belly'?" And that seems to be the choice. Another bummer. Paul's response? He said, "I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole!!" Smart fellow. LOL

One of my daughters said to me recently, "Mom, not fair! You weigh less than I do." Then she asked me what size I wear and she replied that she wears smaller sizes than I do but weighs more. My response to her was that she's still young and has her weight in all the right places. The conclusion is obvious, LOL.

Morals of this post:
If you're calling "Grams" to babysit, cook, or knit, NOT!! ;-) This Grams is truly "off her rocker."
If you're a Grams-aged person, do what you can with what you have and just don't look in a mirror too often. ;-)
Life is good!!
MB

New Business Location

This last week was a very busy week at work.

We had some deadlines we had to meet the first part of the week. Wednesday we had to finish packing all of our "stuff" and be ready for the movers to come at 3 p.m. We made it and even worked in an hour of new phone training from 1 to 2.

One of our team members, who also worked with us before, was expecting her first child the first week of May. She was with us all day Wednesday, but didn't make it Thursday. She went to the hospital overnight and had her baby girl around noon on Thursday, three weeks early. This was the most exciting happening! We all feel like we're new aunts.

When our old company was sold, another senior editor and I partnered to keep some of the Editorial Services here in Norman and we worked for the new company. We rented a small two-room office that was probably less than 200 square feet. Small, small! I hired two women, he hired a girl, then the company hired an independent contractor who also worked out of our tiny space. When we were all there, we had to literally all shift if someone came in or if someone had to leave. It was tough!

My partner quit and we took over the whole little space. I hired another man, and he took the place my partner left. So, we were still quite crowded.

Corporate told us we could find a larger space. Yeah!! I sent Paul out office shopping. He found our place, just a few office doors down from a former OU Heisman trophy winner. Paul was sure this was our place. And, it was! We got it at an extremely reasonable price after I had to turn the building manager down because of the higher rent price he was asking. I think he really liked the looks of us, and worked hard to get us in.

We moved in the last of October in 2005. I had to hire a small moving team and truck and I had to handle all the details. We had to pack up everything and guide the movers and then go over to the new space and guide them in. I had to engage a local IT service, hire the wiring done for all the computers and faxes, etc. Later I had to buy routers and we ended up adding hubs in a couple of other places as we added personnel and printers, etc.

This new place was a fantastic 800 square feet plus in four different rooms. At the time there were four of us on the team who used the office, and we each had our own room and we split the largest room into an office and our break room. We had windows! The first day we just danced around all through it feeling like we could move and breathe. It was wonderful!

That December I hired a girl, now a woman, a home-schooled student whom I had tutored through math during high school. She's made a great worker and is still with us. Then we got more work and the company asked me to hire more people. I put out some "feelers" and soon I had hired six more women who used to work with us previously. And the guy I hired left. So, now we are a team of ten women.

Last spring the company kept giving me more and more work, and I tried to organize the projects and personnel and made charts and tables with the end dates and worked backwards. My conclusion was that my small staff could not get everything done by the deadlines that they were asking. I notified my supervisor a couple of times, but nothing was happening, so I sent in my resignation.

The CEO and the Senior Vice President hopped a plane and came and spent the day that same week, and they asked me what I needed and how I thought this job could get done. We worked it out, and I stayed on.

But the fun thing about this is that the day they were there, the air conditioning had been out for a couple of weeks and the building manager said they were working on it, but they had to order parts for the old ac's. We were in a second floor office and it was very, very hot. We had huge fans blowing everywhere, and we had to work with very little light because that generated heat. We even had a borrowed turbo fan (noisy) blowing from the hallway into our office, trying to blow in some cool air.

By then I had a roommate in my office and I sat up front in the receptionist area. There was absolutely no privacy, and it was hot, very hot, and it was kind of dark. Primitive conditions to say the least! I was worried about the "higher ups" having to visit us in those conditions, but it couldn't have worked out better.

The CEO said this was unacceptable and made a call to the Corporate real estate guy and the search for our new place started. He said I needed an office, and we needed much more space, and we needed a conference room with a conference phone.

That was about nine months ago, so it's been a slow process. But this last Thursday we moved into our new space. Here's how different it was. The "build-out" person from Austin has made several trips to Norman and she takes care of all the details including the move and the movers, and before this she took care of all the rebuilding of the space. A telephone person came in from Orlando, and an IT team came up from Austin, and they all spent the week last week getting everything ready and putting the finishing touches on.

Our job was to label everything and box up what needed boxing and label that also. We were to leave early Wednesday afternoon and to report to the new space Thursday morning. And that's how it happened. I'm not sure I would have appreciated all of that if we hadn't lived through our two previous moves. (What a difference a little time makes! and I need to add, I had become a fulltime employee by this time. ;-)

We are still pinching ourselves to see if this is real! We have such a fun team, we (really, they) make everything funny and fun.

Each team member has her "own space!" Cubicles, but it is their own space. And, their very own phone. We, the ten of us have shared one office phone for over a year. Team members have used their personal cell phones for their phone service at their desks. And not only do we have phones, but we have VOIP phones (voice over IP). This is supposed to be on the "cutting edge" of phone service these days. Corporate told us we're piloting for them these phones to see if they're feasible for all the other work places. How about that? These phones have some really fabulous features. Of course, getting used to them has been really fun. You can hear the different rings being tried out all over the office area.

And I have a four-wall office! With a door! And new office furniture! Wow! No more catching my clothes on the edges of the old furniture or breaking my wrist holding up the drawer because if I pulled it out too far, it falls off the tracks, and then it takes me awhile to get it fixed. All the drawers in the new desk work. Yeah!

And we have a conference room where we can have our team meetings. Unbelievable.

Best of all we have a large breakroom with a real frig, and we have a microwave, and cabinets where we can store things. WOW! And our own bathroom. Our very own bathroom, not a public one.

And for me, no more mountains of record keeping. Corporate is keeping all of the accounts and making the payments and dealing with all the building accounts, etc. It was fun doing it and I learned a lot, but it was time consuming. I'm so grateful for all the changes and for Corporate making it so much easier to do the job.

We're still getting used to things, and we're loving it. Did I mention that our new office space is still in the same complex (retail and office), but a different building. We still have walking access to Starbucks, and it's one of the prettiest and most sought after office locations in Norman (or so I'm told). Best of all, it's about a half mile from my house.

To conclude: I love my job. I have the absolutely best team anywhere! They are the greatest. And now, I love my place of work. It's perfect. Life is good!
MB

Googling, Movies, and History

This is really a challenge thinking of something to write a couple of times a week. You can see I'm not quite making it, but I logged on this morning determined! ;-)

I've been wondering if not having something to write about is a sign of a boring life. Maybe. But, maybe not. I have a lot of fun things happening in my life, but I have to respect the boundaries about writing about other people (spouse excluded), so often my writing is limited because I have a lot of interaction with others.

Have you ever read or heard the saying: Small people talk about other people. Average people talk about events. Intelligent people talk about ideas. (Paraphrased. It's something like that.)

I'm revealing my "averageness" by writing about events. But, hey, that's better than only writing about "people," right?

Event: we watch a lot of movies at our house, especially since we got a new high definition TV and the accompanying cable HDTV box. We download movies and we still rent movies from the local video store.

We've rented a lot of "bummers" and couldn't watch past five or ten minutes, so we had to review our selection process. We get pretty good ones if we go with the actors we like and/or if we go with movies based on "actual events." That's fascinating to both of us.

We're debating the best way to view the movie: research first, then watch; or watch first and then research. Paul's a history buff, in fact that was his major in college. I'm a history klutz. I cannot retain it and it seems very boring. This is probably due to the fact the high school coaches always taught history and no one ever made it fascinating. (Oops, how I do blame others.)

Paul and I have very different ways of thinking and of arriving at conclusions. His style is very well suited to understanding nuances and connecting links, etc. Mine is logical and mathematically oriented. If it doesn't logically make sense, I too often get lost. (Are we not the most unlikely couple to be a couple? ;-)

We've worked our differences well together over the years, and now we seem to work in tandem rather than in the boxing ring. (Another LOL) So, we mix what we do. He likes variety, I like sameness thinking that if it works well once, why change?

Sometimes we research first, but more often we "forget" to do that and then research afterwards. When we do the latter, the whole movie comes into focus for me, and it's then I wonder, "Why didn't we research first?" And then I laugh. Sometimes we're so goofy. Oh, well. . .

Back to movies: Recently we watched "A Show of Force." We researched after the movie and learned a lot. Wikipedia has some great articles. I like and can remember historical events this way. It needs to have life. Just reading dates and events in a book never did it for me. However, I do have to remember to release the fictionalized part and not keep that in my mind as actual historical fact.

Anyway, we highly recommend this little exercise about picking and viewing movies. Truth is so often "stranger than fiction."

Morals of this post (if there is such a thing, or grammatically correct, if there are such things):
You can Google anything, and learn a lot.
Movie selection is a process to be learned.
History can be enjoyed and retained.

So much for posts.
MB